


Let's Face It, There's No Number That Won't Seem Unreasonable Here

by parsnips (trifles)



Series: Tales of Love, Loss, and Insurance [25]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Insurance, Missions, Post-Movie(s), Training
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-29 20:35:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5141660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trifles/pseuds/parsnips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky's idea of fun and useful doesn't necessarily match up with other people's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Face It, There's No Number That Won't Seem Unreasonable Here

**Author's Note:**

> This is the world of insurance-Bucky. These are his stories.
> 
> (wombat-Steve is considering getting his own series just to stop being in this ridiculous one.)
> 
> Jealous.

So it used to be that HYDRA was really into keeping Bucky at peak fighting condition. Sometimes that would involve sending him out to kill random people, which he doesn’t like thinking about and, more disturbingly, doesn’t remember in much detail. 

But on more satisfying (and marginally less nightmarish) occasions, he’d be tasked with some kind of training exercise. Stuff like mapping all of a particular grid of a city, aerial and ground, down to sewer level and including all ingress and egress points of every room of every building. Stuff like one week to develop and perfect a persona, up to and including living quarters, job, family, multiple forms of identification, and elderly neighbors willing to declare “such a nice young man” in whatever language they spoke. Stuff like being dropped in the Hindu Kush with nothing but his clothes, a deadline for return, and the sun dipping steadily out of sight.

Anyway. Training. Keeping him in fighting condition. HYDRA were a bag of dicks, but that part, at least, was... Bucky doesn’t want to say necessary, because that would probably make Steve put on Animal Planet again and try to talk about something that has nothing to do with any of this, which is starting to kind of get on Bucky’s nerves-- but just because bad people had an idea didn’t mean the idea had to be bad, too.

Look at insurance, for instance.

But when it comes down to it, though, and if he was really pressed for an answer, basically,  _basically,_  Bucky just wants an excuse to go on the most fun training exercise  _ever._

**

Steve notices Bucky’s missing on day two. He gets concerned on day four. He rationalizes until day seven.

On day eight, at 11:13 AM, Steve crosses his arms and says, “JARVIS, where is Bucky?”

There’s a pause. Suddenly Bucky’s voice comes tumbling out of the speakers. “Steve, what the hell, I’m working here.”

_“Where?”_

Their living quarters are light and airy. Bucky’s voice sounds weirdly muffled, and also extremely chipper. He says, “Following the approval of an application and the delivery of an insurance policy, most states require a 10-day ‘free look’ period to determine whether or not the policyholder wants to keep it. If not, the policyholder can cancel for a full refund.”

There’s a thunking noise, and a very quiet swear.

Steve clears his throat. “How many policies did you apply for, Buck?”

There’s another thunking noise, and a weird scrape. “A lot.”

“And you got approved for all of them?”

There’s a certain shiftiness to the silence. “Yeah.” Scrape. “And so did you.” Clunk-thunk. “And also maybe Stark.”

Steve pinches the bridge of his nose and hopes to hell Bucky can hear him doing so. “Buck, what are you  _doing?”_

Butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth when Bucky says, in all innocence, “Cancelling my policies within the allotted grace period.”

There is, suddenly, a distant clanging noise, followed by several shrieks and exclamations -- almost exactly as if an air duct grate had fallen down in the midst of a very large meeting, startling everyone in it -- before Steve can hear the muffled sound of Bucky shouting, “Where is Agent Pinski--” and the comms go dead.

Steve unpinches his nose. He takes a deep breath. He sits on the couch.

“JARVIS,” he says, “could you please restart that documentary from the top.”


End file.
